oddly specific talents I have

-are you looking for someone to draw black and white portraits of conventionally attractive women aged 15 to 25? You've come to the right place

-Do you need to learn how to make german children songs sound like they are being played on a bamboo flute, but you only know how to play the piano? Give me a call and I'll see if I can make time for you.

-Do you need to paint intricate henna inspired flower designs on wood, paper or cardboard surfaces? I'm your girl

-Want someone who can perfectly imitate a suburban white girl ordering a pumpkin spice latte? I've got years of experience.

-have a presentation for school and need an overly detailed but beautiful slightly Greek looking headline? You can count on me

-procrastinated on a group project and looking for someone who will finish everything in one evening and only be mildly passive aggressive about it the next day? Got your back

-Want to learn terrible pickup lines in three different languages? Give me your number and I'll see what I can do for you

-Need someone to intensely and shamelessly stalk your crush for you? Sign me the fuck up.

Honestly just hire me already